Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
