don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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