his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
