A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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