The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
