I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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