Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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