i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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