Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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