Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She's just so happy...and so naked.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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