i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
