Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize