I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
