I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
