you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
