Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
