im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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