I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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