I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
