I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
