Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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