i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
