Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
