So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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