it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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