i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
