found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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