I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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