I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think my moral compass just broke
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
