The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
