I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
