I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
