That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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