One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
