my mouth tastes like poor choices
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
