my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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