First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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