I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
