Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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