Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
