She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My ATM looks so different sober.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
