Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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