I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
