He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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