I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
