I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
