I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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