I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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