Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
