Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
