and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
