The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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