i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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