You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
