If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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