when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
