yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
