I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize