When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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