I'm passing your future prison.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
