I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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