I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
