sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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