Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
