No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
