did you get engaged???
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
