I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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