what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I cut my penus on the lid.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
